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This is a lot more scattered than Firstly, I guess because I am feeling scattered.
Eingeboxt #
This will be ironic considering this is how I express myself, but I actually feel extremely limited writing out my thoughts like this.There are so many emotions I wish I could express.
Anguish in Mediocrity, how despite everything going as norm and me having zero things to fear or worry about, I still feel like shit.
Fleeting panic out of nowhere, like an existential noose tightening around my neck, followed almost immediately by distraction on another topic, moving on like anything else.
Hopelessness at the pain of others which I cannot help or affect.
Pain at lost social circles, people I used to enjoy my time with, flashing away like the muzzle flash of a gun.
Cognitive dissonance of time being both my grim reaper and permissioner.
I wish I could do artwork, I have these vivid pictures in my head of how to orchestrate and visualize my feelings. Dark backgrounds on neon-y colors. But once I actually make the attempt to draw my feelings, the result is just never anything legible.
Here, I only have these stupid letters to represent all these complex emotions (which often stir into a dreadful cocktail).
It makes me think of Toki Pona, a very simple language. Its creator made it to be able to express their thoughts more simply during depression.
Maybe it's the verbosity that makes me feel boxed, or maybe that limitation shapes whatever these articles are.
Angst #
I think this thought is irrational, because others have gone through the same and they eventually recovered. I think that's the same, I am flexible and adaptable to my situation. Still, it feels like I'm suffering despite nothing going on. I have done everything I needed to, I have everything I could possibly need, I will never have to fear hunger or thirst. But I still feel like I'm drowning in a sea of, frankly, myself.I fear, ich habe Angst, that maybe I've broken myself irrevocably. But that's silly, I will always persevere.
I just wish it wasn't so painful sometimes, perhaps even a systemctl poweroff for my brain.
Mädchen für alles #
(alt: Jack of all traits)This is just going to be a general frustration of mine. I will say I'm mostly a jack of all traits. I work a lot with computers and I tend to know a lot of things about them. I could name you stuff a PC requires to boot, the struggle of getting Windows's ecosphere to cooperate on Linux levels, brainstorm you on how to create a specific app on a high level.
But frankly, I suck at it all. I am the mistress of none. I'm not an expert at anything, I don't even consider myself proficient the things I do dabble more often. Despite my broad knowledge, you cannot actually trust me to know what I know.
Not that this isn't something able to be worked on, I can always deepen my knowledge on these topics. But I never tend to find the hook, the path that keeps me going from beginner to something intermediate. And so on.
There is an exception, I'd like to believe I know how to deal with people well. I like to listen and understand people, their struggles and successes, how their day has been, whatever it needs.
And that gets me along with people very well perhaps too well, to the point where me not actually deeply being good at fields is fine.
And then you cut to today, I'm a vague polished snapshot frozen in time. How can I understand anybody if I don't even understand myself?