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Hey, it's been a bit. I've been doing better but I need a place to collect my thoughts. I'm not necessarily doing bad. I've been taking care of myself by doing more entertainment things like playing video games or watching series.
Selbstkontextualisierung #
I don't know how to transition into this smoothly so I'll simply do it roughly instead. I've been working on spending more time with myself than with others. Before, I used to spend most of my time chatting or being with people.After Korrekturschnitt, my connections and conversations with the people around me have been weaker. Beside that, I've also become scared of forming bonds with others, afraid of making deep attachments which was the slippery slope that led me into this mess in the first place.
The time I spend alone is time able to be focused more on my literature and projects.
Let me be honest though, it's rough at times.
Like anybody else, I want to be validated. I was validated by the intimate connections I formed reinforcing me.
Now I have to push any doubts away. Validate myself by my results and myself.
Antithese #
What I written was harsh but this is fine ~~(I know you disagree Kai but I mean it, really)~~ I've incurred what is happening to myself and I will have to live with it. I don't require bonds to anybody, I can live on my own two legs.That awful women a year ago constantly sowed doubts about myself and others, making me feel reliant on her. The only thing that can guide me through times like this is my own resolve.
Zurückhaltung #
Whenever I write this, or work on any project for that matter, I always have this paralysis when doing so. I'm not sure if this is a thing which other people have, but while I have this written, I just sit here and stare at it. Not feeling like adding to it, not appending or modifying it.It's something that plaques me, I have to force myself to keep writing even though I really really want to write this. I know I really want to but my brain just doesn't click into working without me pushing myself to keep going.
I've only heard of this behavior from people who have ADHD, but while I'm on the autism spectrum, if I had ADHD it would have been noticed by how many doctors have been looking over me.
I'm practically a psychological lab rat, now that I think about it.
Wegwerfbarkeit von Gedanken #
I've recognized how disposable all my thoughts are. While even the most intense emotions can grip me one day, they'll disappear with time.I don't know if this is good or bad. Knowing that whatever I feel doesn't matter in the end is both liberating and soul crushing.
With the exception of these posts. Whatever I write in these rambles are practically snapshots of me and my feelings.
Seelennacktheit #
On that topic, I have become so normalized to dumping the deepest of myself. Whenever I come from a difficult talk about myself, if it's the job agency or a therapist, I like to say "seelisch nackt machen" which can roughly be translated into stripping my soul naked. It's not a perfect translation but I hope it gets the meaning across.While this is a gift and allows me to more easily talk about myself, my thoughts are bare for anybody who asks. It's not that I don't have privacy or I can't restrict what I say to people.
It's that over the time I've been from therapist to therapist, it's completely normal for me to speak about the deepest thoughts and insecurities to mine, even with people which I don't know that long.
I don't know if this is a good thing, I don't know if that's a thing I should counteract. I've never felt a harm in it, I suppose. From my therapists reaction, it clearly doesn't seem "normal" that people just spill all they know.
Selbstkontextualisierung: Teil Zwei #
This is another adjustment I have to make as I work towards becoming my own agent. I like to say I have a "sentinel personality".Completely isolated from Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I enjoy reporting back what I am doing and how I am feeling to someone. I enjoy hearing people's thoughts and opinions on me and my work, and the feedback can be valuable. These conversations are also nice for forming bonds.
I have to stop doing that, people don't need to acknowledge my work because I can acknowledge it myself. Moderating whatever I work on from others can be useful.
Selbstzensur und Divergenz #
I become a perfect snapshot of whoever I was.
I wrote this at the start of insanity blog as a promise in the new start, but even this is rough despite my best attempts. I've been trying my best but I am effectively trying to dial back my thoughts. These lines of thoughts still exist though, which I will have to let degrade over time.
Talking with people who don't engage in self censorship like I am though eventually brings these up. I think the best strategy going forward is going to acknowledge it and then dismiss it.
I hope this is not going to be cognitively difficult, engaging with these thoughts despite knowing that being wrong or needing to impose my self-censorship by hardstopping people in their conversation is a dilemma that really stresses me out.